I’ve been thinking about writing a blog for a really long time. Why did I never start? Mostly because I didn’t think I had anything important to say. Why would anyone want to read a whole bunch of bla, bla, bla from me? I finally figured it out, though. I want to write a blog and share and express – for me. This is for me. This is going to be a place where I can tell you about the real stories of my life, especially those stories that have to do with my barrenness.
Warning: there’s going to be no sugar coating here. If you know me outside this blog, you’re gonna think, “Woah, she’s lost her mind.” Or, “That’s not the Alicia I know.” For the most part, I remain quiet and shy. I do my best not to draw attention and I am a serious people pleaser. Well, not here, my friends. Here I’m going to actually say how I feel about all of the things.
Tonight I went to a movie by myself for the first time ever. It was super awkward and I was totally embarrassed when I ordered the pop and popcorn deal and our discount card wasn’t up-to-date. I felt like the girl behind the counter probably thought I was some kind of loser to be coming to a movie by myself and that I probably didn’t even have the husband I told her about who opened the account. I felt so out-of-place when a group of four girls, obviously out on a girls night, sat next to me in the theater as I ate the majority of my large popcorn and drank most of the large pop. I figured they must be thinking, “Geez, what a fatty, and where are her girls? So sad, must not have any.” And the teenagers on the other side of me were probably thinking, “I hope I never become that girl.” Man, I was pretty harsh on myself, huh? You don’t know the half of it…yet!
But despite all that inner drama, it was a nice time to go treat myself in a way not many women can. New moms, moms of toddlers, moms of teens. They probably couldn’t just drop everything and go to the movies tonight. I am learning to be grateful for what I’m able to do in the life that I have.
I continued my new favorite audio book, Girl, Wash Your Face, by Rachel Hollis, as I drove home. Rachel (after what we’ve been through, me listening to her book, we’re on a first-name basis, of course) wrote, “Girlfriend, God is sending you all kinds of life rafts…get in the freakin’ boat…You will get through this season. This, too, shall pass. Don’t set the rest of your life up on a downhill slope because of one hard season. It also might be helpful to remember that someone else is praying to have the kind of chaos you’re currently crying about. What I mean is the things you think are so difficult could be someone else’s dream come true. I don’t say that to make you feel badly or to negate your difficult experience. But, perspective may help you see that your chaos is actually just a gigantic blessing. Adjusting your view can work wonders.”
Ok, I’m in the boat. Let’s start this blog!