Coping, Self Doubt

The Paperwork

Adoption is not for the faint of heart. Sorry, every positive white clouds and rainbows tag line for an adoption or foster care organization, like, ever. Even good days are painful sometimes…well, a lot of the time. Take today, for example. I had a pretty good day, high marks on the focus and good scores on task completion. I am pretty strict with myself, aren’t I? Nobody else is grading me, but I sure feel like they are – more on that another time.

Anyhow, I woke up at 7:30 a.m., got the coffee going, let our dog Cody outside to do his business and focused on having a calm morning. Then, since I didn’t have to be to work until the afternoon, I decided to sit down and tackle a few of the pieces of paperwork we have to complete for certification for the foster care/adoption course they call MAPP-GPS (Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting/Group Preparation and Selection Pre-Certification Training Program). No biggie, right? Just a few documents… But, yeah, we’ve filled out versions of these papers two other times. We’re going to be entering our third year of being home study approved this August.

Enter Negative Self talk…

Since you probably don’t know me, here I am thinking you’re thinking, “Wow, what the heck is wrong with them? There must be something wrong with them if it’s taking this long for them to adopt. Don’t all nice, good people get chosen to adopt pretty quickly?”

Enter long gut-wrenching scream! Well, that’s what you would hear if you could sit inside my heart right now as I answer your question you didn’t even pose.

The simple act of filling out a few forms, or thinking about filling out those forms, can make me tailspin down into a fictional world where there’s something wrong with me, where we’ll never be selected to parent, where there’s some reason why God doesn’t want me to be a mom. Maybe I would suck at it. Maybe I’m not destined to parent because of some sin I’ve committed. What if God thinks the anxiety and depression I’ve experienced wouldn’t be good for a kid to grow up around.

It’s exhausting. So exhausting.

So here is where I pull myself out of that tailspin for the billionth time.

Facts:

1. God loves me and wants what’s best for me.

2. I have the world’s best husband and I get to go home and see him in just a few minutes.

3. Most people would tell you I’m a pretty nurturing person who would make a good mom.

Believe it or not, it didn’t take too long to pull myself out of that nose-dive. What can I learn from this? Noticing the tailspin is critical. If I can notice it, I can pull myself right out. By the way, if you hear me tail spinning out there in the real world, just tell me to relax and breathe for a minute. Ask me to tell you what’s actually 100% factual about what I’m rambling about or putting up some defense mechanism about. I promise, I’ll thank you eventually, even if it takes me a little while.

PS

Dear Friends/Family,

Thanks for always being there for me when I reach out!

Love,

Alicia

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